You’re the one who pulled a knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives, and demanded I hand over my black Burberry jacket. You also went after her purse and earrings. I hope you somehow see this message because there are a few things I need to say.
First, I’m sorry for your embarrassment—I didn’t expect you to actually soil yourself when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. It wasn’t that cold out, and I was wearing that jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was relieved I’d just come home safely from my second tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we’d picked up a shoulder holster for it earlier that evening. You’d probably agree it’s an intimidating weapon when it’s pointed at your head… right?
I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant walking back to wherever you came from with ruined pants. It must’ve been even worse barefoot since I made you leave your shoes, phone, and wallet behind. (That way, you couldn’t call your buddies or run for help to try mugging us again.)
Afterward, I called your mother—listed as “Momma” in your phone—and explained everything you’d done. Then, I filled up my gas tank and those of four other people at the station using your credit card. The guy with the massive motorhome took 153 gallons and was pretty thrilled!
I gave your shoes and all the cash from your wallet to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s. Made his whole day.
Then, I tossed your wallet into that big pink “pimp mobile” parked at the curb… after smashing the windshield, breaking the side window, and keying the entire driver’s side.
Earlier, I made two threatening calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, hinting that President Obama might be my target. The FBI agent sounded very serious, and we had a nice, long chat (probably while tracing your number).
In a way, maybe I should apologize for not killing you—but honestly, I think this kind of payback is a much better punishment for the crime you threatened to commit.
I hope you manage to sort out these sudden, urgent problems you’re facing. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll take some time to rethink the career path you’ve chosen. Next time, you might not be so lucky.
— *Credit to David Thomas*