I won’t be setting out clothes

I won’t be setting out clothes for Max tomorrow for his first day back to school. That’s because he won’t be going.
I don’t know how we ended up here, but somehow we did.
I keep thinking about all the kids we will see tomorrow with their new backpacks and shoes.
Parents walking their children to school. Some kids now older, walking with friends. In another world, Max would have been walking with them. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to imagine what he would be like if he didn’t have to face so many struggles.
The school buses will be running again tomorrow.
Kids and parents will be full of hope and excitement for the new school year.
I sit here crying. Crying for my son.
I don’t even know if Max understands.
I don’t know if I feel angry or just deeply sad. Maybe shocked, maybe numb.
All I know is that between now and tomorrow, I have to face the truth that Max will not be going back to school.
There are so many reasons why.
So many, many reasons.
I’ve shared them here so many times before. But right now, I can’t even find the words. All those words I once used to fight for him, to try to make space for him and get him accepted, now seem to have disappeared.
We needed support and plans to be in place before we got there, not to have to build them ourselves once we arrived. That’s where things went wrong.
I keep telling myself I need to let this go.
But I can’t.
And I don’t know what to do with all this emptiness, anger, fear, and hurt.
It all feels like it’s on me.